Losing a child is hard, but not just for the reason you think.

As many of you know, we have a daughter Emily. She only lived 19 hrs after she was born full term. Maybe someday I’ll go into that story.

This month she would be 18. So in honor of her I wanna chat about what no one thinks about or tells you about. The mental tornado that happened, at least it did for me.

This wasn’t a miscarriage this was, we went to the hospital thinking we were bringing home a baby. I was 38.5 weeks. So no reason to think anything different. We had things at home for her.

Well, you then have to return those things. You go to the store and anytime you return anything they always ask “is anything wrong with the item” and you go “No I just don’t need it anymore” I just don’t need it anymore. How gut-wrenching is that to say to a stranger? I will admit, I cried and yelled at the poor teenage cashier at Babies R Us when I returned our stand-behind stroller I didn’t need anymore.

You also have all these little clothes. And for me, we had a son first, so we had to buy all girl clothes. Every time you look at those clothes you remember. We had these little black leather dress shoes, we couldn’t return them. I threw them away. Sure I could of donated them, but I was so angry and sad that I threw them across the room, then threw them in the trash.

I gave birth, so guess what? I had milk come in, I had all the same after-birth things to deal with. Talk about a reminder constantly, you got all that stuff but no baby.

Then people you don’t like know know, but know. They saw you pregnant and then the next thing you aren’t. They don’t know, but I mean, I had an extra 50lbs on me the last time you saw me. Soooo, common sense says she had the baby, let’s ask about it. There wasn’t harm but then you mentally have to decide, do you go into the whole story or just say “She didn’t make it” because if you say that, you get the look. And you wouldn’t know the look unless you have received it. But they do, people just look at you in this way that hurts again.

fast forward (because you know that is my thing), and look at your life/house. If you have kids, I bet you have something about your family somewhere. Like a sign with your last name on it and all your kids listed on it. Do you list the child who passed? I mean she is your child, BUT, if you list her, someone comes over and may not know what happened they are gonna ask. “Who’s Emily” so jump back up a paragraph and insert in that mental tornado of what do I say. Then you get the look.

You go to the dr. Have you ever noticed there is a spot that says how many pregnancies you have had? How many live births have you had? How many children do you have? If it is a new dr, guess what story you have to tell over again?

When an adult dies, it is different. If you bury them you don’t usually think about it as like I now have to live here forever, right? I mean maybe you do. I never did. My grandma and father have passed and I never once thought about it. But, if I buried my daughter in say city A, and a job opens up in a whole new state or even a new city far away, can you just up and leave your daughter? Like I know you aren’t, but in my mind, I’m just up and leaving. How could I do that? Why did I think like that? but it is facts. If we buried her, I would have to live right here for the rest of my life. A good mom doesn’t just up and leave her kids.

So then you do cremation (which we did). Well, do you set up like a whole shrine in your house? Because then it is a constant reminder. Or then I’m like that tiktok and my alive kids are playing in the ashes (did you see that one??)

Some people will suggest sprinkling her ashes somewhere or on someone else’s grave. Ok, love the idea, but then my crazy brain goes to, if you sprinkle some here and some there, you cut her up. I mean I know you didn’t, but I did, I split her in half. That freaked me out. And if you sprinkle them all somewhere and walk away…i just left her there. See where I’m going with that. Sure, your brain may be normal and not think that way…mine does.

Someone suggested jewelry. Can you imagine standing at the checkout of kroger and the necklace breaks and her ashes are now in the 3rd checkout lane?!?!?! Nope couldn’t do that either. And it is like the paragraph above, it Is splitting her little body up.

So she is in a box in our safe because my daughter mentioned the things she would grab in a fire and she said “id grab Emily” and I went shit, she would burn up. So in the safe she went.

These are just SOME of the mental spiral tornados that happen when you live with the loss of a child. I have plans for other blogs on this topic, child loss. I truly hope this does not trigger you. It is just my life, my crazy brain. I do hope it helps someone feel not alone. Because this is one of those life moments that feels VERY alone.

xoxo amber g