As my kids have become adults, parenting has gotten… hard. Like many-days-I-want-to-cry hard.

I remember thinking toddler fits and backtalk were the worst.
Nope. Parenting adult kids is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

I feel like I’m constantly in a state of what if.

Did I ask enough questions?
Did I ask too many?
Should I have pushed harder, or was it right to respect what you said you wanted?

Should I have forced traditions when you said you didn’t want to do them anymore?
When you refused pictures, should I have said, “Nope, get over here”?

Did I spend enough time with each kid?
Should I have said “No, you can’t go hang out with friends, you need to hang out with us”?

Will they be okay when they leave?
What if they never leave?
Did I raise them to take care of themselves, or did I do too good of a job and now they won’t ever come back or need us?

And now that we’re actually in that “leaving the nest” phase, the questioning gets louder.
Did I screw something up? Probably.
Will they still talk to me after they go?

Since Jeremy and I don’t speak to our parents, it hits harder. I keep telling myself, “I’m doing better than what we had,” but then I think… ugh, that sounds cocky. And honestly, I bet our parents thought they were doing the right things, too.

Everyone who’s ahead of me on this parenting timeline says the same thing:
You have to let them go. Be there when they need you.

But… what if they don’t?

I could spiral myself straight into a hole to China (and let’s be real, I’m already halfway there).

So I’m trying—like truly trying—to live in a mindset of:
I know in my heart I tried as hard as I could.
I love them with everything in me.
I never acted out of anger or meanness (even when I was so mad).
I’ve only ever wanted better for them.

And if one day they turn around and hate me… then I guess I have to respect that, even if it breaks me.

I also know our kids won’t understand why we did certain things until they have kids of their own. And even then, their world will look different.

I just hope, deep down, they still call.
They still come home for the holidays.
They still want us to visit.
And more than anything, I hope they still love us as they grow older.

Okay… off to probably spiral even further.

xoxo amber g